“Our first Easter without Isaac was only slightly quieter than the year before. I decided to continue the family tradition that we had started the previous year when my dad was still coming out of a state of delirium. Isaac and I could feel the toll that the stress of my dad’s health was taking on our little family, so had we decided that we would have a mini-staycay. We still kept the traditional morning egg hunt, but then escaped to a waterpark for some pre-summer swimming fun. Only this year, Isaac wasn’t grabbing my attention by grabbing my legs underwater, and so my mind began to wander.

           One thought that I struggled with daily since Isaac passed was whether he knew I still loved him with the same intensity as when we first met. That I still held him dear, despite our occasional marital discord. Our past lover’s quarrels would play over and over in my head, while I questioned whether I had given him enough love over the years. I was his last chance at experiencing a deep connection in this lifetime, and I couldn’t help but beat myself up for all the times that I allowed my expression of emotions to cause him to feel alone. The times I failed him. Did I do my job as his wife? Did I give him enough over the years so that he was able to hold on to the feeling that brought us together? Was he able to see past the frustrations of our growing complicated life, to the woman who loved him more than life itself? The incredible responsibility I had for 15 years of holding his heart I thought had come to an end and now I was giving myself a marriage review, without his final opinion. I needed to know, did I love, as in the verb, him enough?

           One very common aspect of Near-Death Experiences is what people call a life review. There are countless accounts of people experiencing their life flash before their eyes after they had left their bodies. But these flashes are not to be mistaken for having a lack of detail. These visions are often so detailed that the experiencer not only relives every moment of their own life and how they felt in each interaction with others but also feels the emotions that their actions caused within everyone else. I cringed at the thought that Isaac would have gotten to see all of our interactions, along with how I really felt. Especially the times I didn’t tell him what was really going on for me internally. I was relieved to learn that he would now know how much I always absolutely adored him but was horrified that he now knew the parts of me that I, intentionally or not, hid from him. But the other common report in these experiences is that people aren’t shown their life review to judge themselves, or others, but to be given complete understanding of everyone and everything.

          As I stood in the pool, watching our daughter splash in the water that ran under a little bridge, the relentless thoughts about my performance as a wife washed over me. This time, I put the questions on the other foot and began to realize that if I could still feel the same about us after all these years, after all of our ugly moments, then why wouldn’t he? If I could see past our frustrations to the man I fell in love with, why couldn’t he have done the same? Not wanting to be seen talking out loud to a person no one could see, inside my mind, I told Isaac that if he is now in a place of complete understanding of all of the times that we felt separate from one another, all of the times that we couldn’t feel warmth from one another, then maybe it’s time that I let go of them too, and forgive myself.”

~ Excerpt from The Invitation to Exist, Chapter “Love is Saying Goodbye”